How Leaving the Guard Behind Helped Me Step Into My True Self

 As I look back on my time working in the prison system, it’s hard to ignore the heavy weight that used to follow me daily. The guilt, the burden of things left unsaid, and the trauma of experiences that shaped me in ways I didn’t even realize at the time. Leaving that world behind wasn’t just about walking away from a job; it was about shedding a version of myself that had become entwined with fear, control, and survival.

One of the hardest parts to reconcile was the guilt of leaving behind such a deeply corrupt system. I witnessed injustices, abuses, and practices that gnawed at my conscience, yet, I didn’t have the voice to speak up while I was still inside. For the longest time, I carried that guilt — the guilt of staying silent, the guilt of not doing more. It was like I abandoned not only my colleagues and inmates but also a part of myself that believed in change.

But as I’ve come to realize, letting go of that past has opened the door for something far more beautiful: growth. And now, finally, I have found my voice to speak up.

When I first left, I struggled with guilt — was I abandoning something, or worse, someone? That question haunted me for a long time. The guilt was a reminder of the old me, the version of myself that constantly put others first, sacrificed for a system that didn’t care for me, and didn’t take the time to nurture my own soul. But now, as I stand on the other side, I see that walking away was an act of self-love. I couldn’t truly become the person I am meant to be — a wife, an advocate, a guide for others on their journeys — if I stayed stuck in that place. It’s like I had been holding onto an identity that no longer fit.

Even more than that, I realized that leaving gave me the clarity and distance I needed to find my voice. I may not have spoken up when I was entrenched in the system, but now, I have the freedom to say what I saw, to challenge the things that were wrong, and to be part of a movement for change.

It wasn’t easy, though. I carried emotional baggage from that chapter of my life into every part of my being. I would find myself replaying moments in my mind, questioning if I had done enough, if I could have done more. Should I have spoken up then? Could I have changed anything from the inside? Those thoughts weighed heavy on me, but as I’ve worked through my own healing, I’ve realized that clinging to those moments was only holding me back.

Now, I choose to release those chains, one by one. Each day, I embrace the woman I am becoming, the one who is driven by love, not fear; by compassion, not guilt. I have learned to forgive myself for the things I couldn’t control and focus on what I can create now — a life full of purpose, meaning, and love. And with this new voice, I can finally confront the things I left behind, not in silence but with strength.

As I step fully into this new chapter, I can see more clearly than ever that my journey isn’t just about what I left behind; it’s about what I am building now. I am committed to becoming the best version of myself — not only for me but for those I love and those I hope to help. This journey from guard to wife, from a woman surviving to a woman thriving, is one that I’ll continue to share. Not because I have all the answers, but because I know that many are on this same path, trying to reconcile their past with their future. My hope is that through my words, someone else will find the courage to step into their true self, leaving behind what no longer serves them, and finding the voice they never thought they had.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." — Psalm 34:18

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