Doing Time on the Outside: The Reality of Being a Prison Wife

"So I know prison wives get a lot of heat from people that don’t understand the life. It’s sad. But we struggle too. We’re serving time too. As much as I love and trust my husband, I will always fact check. These men are survivors with survivor mentality. They’re not in prison for being stand up men 😂 in fact, mine went in a liar and addict. In order to save money, I ask questions. If protecting myself and going behind his back to confirm, oh well. I’ll protect me since he didn’t, wouldn’t and couldn’t… and this is a safe place for LO’s to be able to come together and gather facts without shaming and blaming. A lot of times people will say 'why be with him if you don’t trust him?' That’s fair. But has anyone been in love before 😂 None of us woke up one day and said I’d love to marry a felon. Yet, here we are. I wake up everyday hoping he’d change his lifestyle 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just want women to know it’s okay to be a little on edge. A little apprehensive and untrustworthy. It’s okay to doubt them. It’s okay to seek out support. And it’s definitely okay to not be a constant bank. In my last group, I can’t tell you how many women were played for years, the guy gets out and cheats or leaves her. The prison game is a real thing. And I for one will never discourage against love, however if he’s a cheater and a guard’s putting out, he’s cheating. If he’s an addict and it’s available, he’s high. Don’t make excuses and be aware that’s all. We’re all here to support each other."

She literally could not have explained it any better, and I stand behind her words 100%. She is right! We love them, and that is WHY we protect them and do the time with them as loyal, faithful, loving prison wives. Unless you live it, you will never understand it, but PLEASE keep your judgment to yourself! Who is one to judge another human being? NO ONE! GOD is the only one who can judge. And just because they are an "inmate" does not mean they are a bad human being! We ALL make mistakes, the ones on the outside are just "lucky enough not to get caught and persecuted" for them. So STOP JUDGING and START HELPING!

Prison wives get a lot of heat from people who don’t understand this life. It’s sad, really. We struggle too. We serve time too. Our lives revolve around a system that wasn’t designed to accommodate love, marriage, or families. But we endure it because we believe in the men we love. We stand by them, support them, and push for their growth. But let’s get real—being a prison wife isn’t blind devotion. It’s love with wisdom, loyalty with awareness, and trust with verification.

One of the most common misconceptions outsiders have is that we’re naive, gullible, or “settling” for less. That couldn’t be further from the truth. We don’t love our men because they’re perfect; we love them despite their flaws. We don’t turn a blind eye—we fact-check. Why? Because these men are survivors. They’ve learned to navigate a brutal system. They’ve made mistakes, and some are still unlearning the survival mentality that landed them there in the first place. That doesn’t make them evil, and it doesn’t make us fools. It makes us realists.

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard, “If you don’t trust him, why are you with him?” That’s fair. But has anyone ever been in love before? Love isn’t about blind trust. Love is about honesty, accountability, and the willingness to work through the hard truths. None of us woke up one day and said, “I’d love to marry a felon.” Yet, here we are, choosing to love men who—just like all of us—are growing, evolving, and trying to be better.

As prison wives, we walk a fine line between hope and reality. We want to believe in our men, and for many of us, we have every reason to. But we also have to protect ourselves. We’ve seen the stories. Women who gave everything—money, time, loyalty—only to be left behind when he got out. Women who excused red flags because they believed “he’d change.” The prison game is real. It doesn’t mean every man is playing it, but it does mean we have to be smart.

And let’s talk about money. We are not banks. Love is not transactional. Yet, so many of us feel the pressure to constantly provide, to fill commissary accounts, to pay for phone calls, to send packages, to support them in ways they never supported us before incarceration. It’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to say no. Loving someone doesn’t mean carrying their financial burden alone. And if he loves you, truly loves you, he’ll understand that.

At the end of the day, we do this because we love them. We endure the judgment, the loneliness, the system, the stigma—because we see them for more than their mistakes. Because we know that they are more than the DOC number assigned to them. But let me make one thing clear: Just because someone is an inmate does NOT mean they are a bad person. We ALL make mistakes. The only difference? Some get caught. Some don’t.

So to those on the outside looking in—keep your judgment to yourself. If you’ve never walked this road, you have no idea what it takes. Instead of criticizing, start listening. Instead of assuming, start learning. And instead of shaming, start supporting. Because at the end of the day, love isn’t about the easiest path—it’s about choosing the person you believe in, no matter where they are.

To my fellow prison wives: Stay strong. Keep your head up. Protect your heart, your mind, and your resources. And never, ever apologize for loving the man you chose.

We do the time too. And we do it with strength, dignity, and love.

“Judge not, that you be not judged.” – Matthew 7:1

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