Some songs aren’t just songs. They are stories—living, breathing memories wrapped in melody. How Could You Leave Us? by NF isn’t just a song to my husband. It’s his past, his present, and the battle he still fights every single day.
And every time I hear it, it breaks me. Because I know what it does to him. I know what it reminds him of. And I know that despite everything, he still longs for the love of the people who walked away.
A Childhood No Child Should Have to Remember
My husband was 12, almost 13, when his mother left. But before she did, she left wounds so deep they still bleed today. He remembers everything—the screaming, the cheating, the fights that never stopped.
He remembers his mother bashing his father over the head with an iron frying pan.
He remembers sitting in the shower with his dad while the blood ran down the drain.
He remembers the hatred in their voices, the venom in their words.
That was marriage to him. That was love. That was the blueprint for what it meant to be a husband.
"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." – Proverbs 22:6
But what happens when the way they are trained is nothing but pain? When the only thing they are taught is that love means chaos, violence, and betrayal?
The First Time He Got High
When his mom left, his father fell apart. The drinking got worse. The drugs got worse. The anger got worse. And there was no one left to shield him from it.
Then came the day that changed everything.
His father called him over, the way a father might when showing his son how to throw a football or tie a tie. But this wasn’t a lesson in life—it was a lesson in destruction.
"Come here, let me show you how this feels."
That was all he said before pushing the needle into his son’s arm.
And when it hit?
He looked at his father, 13 years old, and said:
"This is f**ing amazing. I won’t ever stop."*
And he didn’t—for twelve years.
Because by then, what else was left?
"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." – Colossians 3:21
His father didn’t just provoke him—he destroyed him. He introduced him to the very thing that would hold him captive for over a decade. And his mother? She wasn’t there to stop it.
Abandoned Again—By Everyone
Even after all of that, even after she left him to drown in a world of violence, addiction, and self-destruction, he still wanted his mother. He still needed her.
But she wasn’t there.
Not when he was a scared, broken teenager.
Not when he was too high to function.
Not when he was trying to claw his way back to sobriety.
Not when he was arrested.
She never even spoke to him again.
When I was released from jail, I called her. I wanted her to know. I wanted her to understand that her son had relapsed, that he was arrested, that he needed her. And her response?
"You can tell him I want nothing to do with him, but I will pray for him."
That was it. That was her goodbye.
She didn’t ask if he was okay.
She didn’t ask if he needed help.
She didn’t ask if he still loved her.
She just walked away. Again.
And not just her—his brother and sister did too.
They all left him behind as if he was nothing more than the addiction that had been forced onto him before he even had a choice. They walked away like his pain was too much for them to carry, as if the easy way out was pretending he didn’t exist.
"But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." – 1 Timothy 5:8
The people who should have been his family turned their backs. And now, the only ones standing beside him are his grandmother and me. We are the only ones fighting for him, the only ones reminding him that he is more than his past, more than his trauma, more than what they left behind.
A Toxic Bond He Can’t Break
But no matter how much his mother abandoned him, no matter how much his siblings pretend he doesn’t exist, there is one person he still won’t let go of—his father.
Even though he knows his father is toxic.
Even though he knows his father still uses.
Even though he knows his father is part of the reason his life spiraled in the first place.
He still feels like he has to protect him.
Because that’s all he’s ever known.
That bond—twisted, painful, destructive—is the one thing that still has a hold on him. And as much as he wants to build a stronger relationship with God, as much as he wants to pour into our marriage and heal, the trauma of his past keeps pulling him back.
He’s stuck between who he was raised to be and who he knows he can become.
"Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close." – Psalm 27:10
But how do you let go of the only love you’ve ever known, even when it’s been nothing but pain?
The Song That Says It All
Every time How Could You Leave Us? plays, I watch him disappear into himself. He doesn’t just hear the lyrics. He lives them.
"We needed you, I needed you..."
"You left us here alone, I guess that made you feel better..."
"Sometimes I think about like, maybe if I’d gone with you, you’d still be here..."
The words are his story. The loss, the anger, the questions that will never have answers.
And if his mother ever truly listened to it—really heard it—maybe then she would understand what she did to him.
Maybe then she’d see that the boy she abandoned wasn’t just an addict.
He was her son.
And he deserved so much more.
But even if she never does, even if she never sees the damage she’s done, he is not alone.
He has me. He has his grandmother. And more than anything, he has God.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." – Psalm 34:18
And I will be here, every day, reminding him that he is not what they made him. He is not what they left behind. He is loved. He is worthy. And he is so much more than their choices.
đź’” #HowCouldYouLeaveUs #NF #ChildhoodTrauma #AbandonmentHurts #BreakingGenerationalCurses #Healing #AddictionRecovery #FaithOverFear #YouAreEnough #EppersonEmpowerment #PrisonWife #PowerOfOurVoices #GodsPlan #OvercomingTrauma #LoveNeverFails #GenerationalHealing #ToxicFamily #FatherWounds #HealingThroughFaith
Comments
Post a Comment