Trust. It’s the foundation of any relationship, but when your husband is incarcerated, trust becomes both a lifeline and a battlefield. I’ll admit it—I struggled when my husband went back in. I wasn’t just sad; I was angry, resentful, and, if I’m being honest, I almost hated him for putting us in this situation. It felt like everything we had worked for was shattered, like we were back at square one, and I couldn’t see past the pain and frustration.
But then I had to ask myself—where does the blame game get me? Where does it
get us? We were already in a tough spot, and pointing fingers wasn’t going to
make it any better. So, I stopped. I took a deep breath and asked myself the
questions that really mattered.
Do I love him? I mean, truly love him like I said I did when I turned my
world completely upside down to be with him? Is he still that man I saw behind
the orange suit and DOC number? Is he worth my trust, my loyalty, my
faithfulness, my devotion, ME?
Absolutely.
Everyone else in his life—except for his grandmother—walked away from him.
They showed him that he didn’t matter, that his screw-ups were bigger than him
as a person. They turned their backs and left him feeling like he was nothing
more than a hardened "career criminal," as he called it. But you know
what? SCREW THAT! I saw HIM, from the moment we met. I saw the man he so
desperately wanted to be, the man he could be if only someone believed in him.
I know my husband. I know him when he’s high, I know him when he’s sober, I
know him as an inmate, I know him as a human. I KNOW HIM. So, was I going to
give up on him? Was I going to let the knowledge of everything I knew about the
inside, from my time as a Correctional Officer, make my decisions about him and
his faithfulness to me? Was I going to doubt his ability to be honest and stay
clean?
NOPE.
I am going to be that wife who fights. I am going to be that devoted,
faithful, honest wife who gives him that last bit of hope and strength to stay
sober, fight the inside, and COME HOME. Because listen, these guys WANT to
change. They are tired, they are worn out. They don’t WANT this life, but it’s
what they know. It’s what’s easy. It’s easier to numb the misery than it is to
live it.
But how many times do we sit and think, “Damn, if only this shit would
stop…?” Well, they made it stop, time and time again, because they never felt
good enough to live through it. That’s where we come in. We have to show them
that life is worth it, that THEY are worth it. We have to be their strength
when they have none left, their hope when the darkness closes in.
Time and time again, my husband has heard those hurtful words from the people he loved—people who should have stood by him when he needed them most. "Tell him I’m done. I have nothing more to say to him. I love him and I will pray for him, but I won’t speak to him again." "He’s a fuck up; he will never change." "He just keeps going back; what makes you think he’ll ever stop?" These words, though not verbatim, are close enough to the truth that they’ve echoed in his mind, driving deeper the pain of abandonment, rejection, and loss that he’s carried for so long.
But here’s the thing: I am the ONE PERSON in this world who knows EVERY SIDE
of my husband. I didn’t meet him as Ryan, the man I would come to love with
every fiber of my being. No, I met him as a "typical inmate" with a
number. I had no idea who he really was. I watched him, monitored him as such,
and in doing so, I learned more about him than most people will ever know.
I know him as Ryan, the man who spent his life grappling with abandonment
issues, loss, and rejection from his family. The man who battled drug
addiction, who didn’t have the schooling or the love that most take for
granted. I know him sober. I know him high as a kite. I know him demonic from
the drugs, and I know him as MY HUSBAND.
Now, all of those sides are different, but the one worth fighting for is MY
HUSBAND. I will fight until the very end for him, because that man—Mr. Ryan
Epperson—is the most amazing man I’ve ever had the privilege to not only know,
but love, and be loved by.
So many people have walked away from THAT man, and they will never know how
truly amazing he is. They see only the mistakes, the relapses, the prison
sentences. They don’t see the man who fights every day to be better, to rise
above the hand he’s been dealt, to break free from the chains of his past. But
not me. I see him, and I am the LUCKY ONE.
I’m the one who gets to stand by his side, to help him shine, because damn
it, he’s beyond worth it! I’m not just fighting for a man in prison; I’m
fighting for the man who has shown me a love so deep and pure that it’s changed
my life. I’m fighting for the man who, despite everything, still has the
strength to keep going, to keep trying, to keep loving.
I will never walk away from Ryan. I will never give up on him. He is worth
every tear, every sleepless night, every moment of doubt. He is worth it all,
because he is not just an inmate, not just a man with a number—he is my
husband, my love, my everything.
So, if you ever ask yourself, "Do I trust him?" "Is
he lying to me?" "Is he using again?" "Is he talking to
other girls?" Stop, take a minute to sit with yourself, your thoughts,
your emotions, and ask yourself... Is he worth it? Is he worth the fight to
help him let go of all those traumas and insecurities? Is he worth ME showing
HIM that he is WORTH IT ALL?! If he's not, because no, not all of them are,
then you do what is best for you, because YOU are worth it... BUT... IF HE
IS... FIGHT LIKE HELL FOR HIM! Fight with all you have inside, no matter how
draining it is, how many tears you shed, how many times you want to hang up
that phone or tell him where to go and how to get there... FIGHT! Your love,
your prayers, your strength are everything he has NEVER had, but ALWAYS
wanted... Trust me when I say... YOU are his angel... How do I know this?
Because my husband tells me every day, over and over again... I AM HIS REASON
FOR LIVING, and I'll be damned if I let that go!
So yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s frustrating. And yes, sometimes I feel like the world is stacked against us. But love, trust, and faithfulness aren’t about what’s easy. They’re about seeing the person inside, believing in their potential, and standing by them no matter what. That’s what I’m going to do, and that’s how we’re going to make it through this—together.
Micah 6:8 (NIV): “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to
walk humbly with your God.”
Song of Solomon 8:7 (NIV): "Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away. If one were to give all the wealth of one’s house
for love, it would be utterly scorned."
#PrisonWifeJourney #TrustAndFaith #InmateAdvocacy #EppersonEmpowerment #DevotionAndStrength #LoveThroughTheBars #EndMassIncarceration #PrisonLife #StayStrong #FightForWhatMatters
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