Suicide Watch Isn't What You Think

 

by Ryan

When people hear "suicide watch," they picture somebody stepping in to save your life. Like it’s help. Like it’s care.

I’m here to tell you:That’s not what suicide watch is inside Arizona Department of Corrections.

A few months back, I wasn’t doing right mentally. Not from drugs—I wasn’t high. This was deeper. Years of drug use. Years of mental pain. And over a year and a half of being kept from my wife because she used to work as a CO.That’ll break your mind in ways you don’t even see coming.

I wasn’t hallucinating from drugs. It was stress. It was trauma. It was everything hitting me all at once.

So I did the one thing we’re told to do if it gets too bad.I asked for suicide watch.

I asked to be seen by psych. I asked for help. I told them straight up, “I’m not okay.” I thought, maybe now they’ll take it serious.

Here’s what really happened:

• They stripped me down to nothing. Turtle suit only. No boxers. No socks.

• No blanket. No pillow. No hygiene. Just cold air and a concrete slab.

• Lights on 24/7. No day. No night. Just that same buzzing fluorescent hum.

• No medical care. No psych. No check-ins that meant anything.

I waited days. Sat in there losing time. Losing my mind worse than when I walked in. No medication. No one trying to help. Just cameras, just silence, just nothing.

Then, not even 24 hours after they released me from suicide watch, it got worse.

Four officers came into my cell. Taser drawn. They took me down—face first toward the ground.All I did was put my hand out to stop my face from slamming into the concrete. That’s all. Not fighting. Not resisting. Just protecting myself.

And just like that, they slapped me with a ticket for disorderly conduct.Then came the lies:

“Drug paraphernalia.”“Refused UA.”

Both false. Both added on after the fact. Retaliation, plain and simple.

Why? Because of my wife.Because she doesn’t keep quiet. Because she used to work for them and now she fights for me.

They’d rather break me than admit she’s right.

Suicide watch was never about protecting me. It was about showing me who’s in charge. About reminding me that in here, mental health is a weapon they use against you—not a service.

I asked for help. I got a turtle suit, a concrete slab, and a case number.That’s what suicide watch looks like where I’m standing.